I live in a world of grey, wishing for some obvious colors to hit my eyes, some vivid reds and distinctive greens. I pray for some blatant signs, the writing on the wall in neon lights, but instead get choices and decisions, not either, seemingly, right or wrong. I am a passive person. I can not say whether this is good or bad, it is both and neither. Yet in this passivity I am anxious, one of the many conundrums of my specific personality. I keep coming up against the problem of trust. Sometimes I mistake lack of preference for trust, but am quickly proven wrong. I am indecisive. I say this as someone who labors over the decision of whether or not to buy a four dollar shirt. It is hard to trust when we realize our fallibility. It is near impossible to believe that even when we blunder we are in more capable hands. But where, where on earth, is the line between responsibility and providence, action and faith?
I feel the weight of ambiguity, the vagueness of the lines around me. I wish to sharpen the image.
1 comment:
I know! I've been grappling with this too, although less urgently than you have. It's depressing that the image sharpens, not as you come closer to the choice, but only after you decide to act.
Don't worry, though. You ARE in capable hands. I look forward to seeing where all your indecisiveness takes you. ;)
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