On self, randomness and a desire to blog.

Caution: Aimlessness ahead.

I often wonder what compels people to blog, to write their thoughts down onto a blank screen where there is a chance that others will see (a higher or lower chance depending on the person writing). I often wonder why I blog. What is this urge? Honestly, I have nothing very significant to say at this moment and the only reason I'm typing is from an impulse to type.

Maybe blogging is just a desire to be published without the hassle of actually writing something worth publishing. I mean, that crazy button down on the left side of the screen saying "PUBLISH POST" is a pretty compelling feature. All the sudden I feel much more important than I did 5 minutes ago with a simple click of a mouse (or whatever the thing on laptops is called.... a leech, maybe, since its attached)

Maybe its just a desire for connection. I don't know who all reads these posts. I know of two people. I would not be surprised if they were the only two. If we throw our thoughts out there, though, who knows who will stumble upon them and convey sympathy with our strange mind (now our has turned into I, the royal plural) and then maybe we will feel some kind of moments peace, a somehow realization that we are partially understood.

I don't know. Though, come to think of it, I understand some people's blogging tendencies: the ones that have an agenda, a thought they want to circulate, a product. I, however, have no such thing, unless the product is myself. I would expand but I'm not sure I want to enter that realm. Even if it is truth.

Somehow, for me at least, I think blogging is a way to work at being okay with myself, as silly as this sounds. I'm beginning to realize the intricacies of the differences of me from others, or of others from others. The second sentence relates to first, I swear. More than realization of differences, I am beginning to see the beauty. I want to refrain from sounding cheesy t.v. show on you, but I think there is some truth to the fact that we must learn to be happy with ourselves (not too happy, maybe, we are a fallen people, but I don't want to complicate this more than I must). At least happy in our uniqueness and okay with the way our mind works, okay enough to put one's insignificant rambling thoughts out there. I'm reminded of a lovely line from Phoebe in Wonderland that states

"At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by, you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are. Especially for everything that made you so different from all the other 'awful' normals. And you will say to yourself, 'But I am this person.' And in that statement, that correction, there will be a kind of love."

Though maybe that has gone too far away from my original intent of what I was trying to say, which is merely that I am finding the complexities of what sets people apart fascinating, even what sets me apart, for I feel as though I'm discovering new arenas of myself all the time. Maybe this is the intent of blogging after all, to show others how strange and unique you are. Maybe it is to show yourself and convince yourself that its okay to be this person.

Wow, I'm pretty sure none of this made a whole lot of sense, but I wanted to type, and I wanted to push that shiny orange button. So, I'm sorry, Dad and Abby, for the stream of conscious type typing that has occurred here. If you actually have read this far all I can say is, I am truly loved.