I have been thinking far too much about future plans recently. Possibly this is to keep my mind occupied. I don't think I want to process the last couple of weeks, of sadness, of what means to be back in the States, but around 2000 miles from where I might possible call home, (I'm really not sure where to call home), what it will mean to be back here again in just a few months surrounded again by family, but also by the unfamiliar and by the impermanence (I'm not currently planning on staying in Montana forever). I don't think I can process it all, so instead I dream about grad school, about going back to Belgium, about the millions of possibilities (normally highly unpractical) so that I don't feel like giving up already at coping.

It has been so good being surrounded by family, around people who get my sense of humour, who I can be completely random and annoying around without fear of rejection, yet at the same time it has been highly difficult. Highly difficult to acknowledge a goodbye to someone I really love, to see my Grandmommy on repeat and missing my Granddaddy (telling the same stories over and over), to say goodbye to the one place on earth that has remained truly like home to me and to my dad and to my siblings (my Grandparent's house) to see my little sisters (particularly one little sister) sad with all the huge things she has to deal with of late (moving, death and dealing in general with the ups and downs of life) and to feel myself incapable, incapable of healing any of these wounds and sadnesses, incapable because I too am sad, incapable because I have no advice to give, because I feel a tad lost in all these things as well.

This whole past year has been full of humbling and these past few weeks have been particularly so. I can't say that I understand what God is doing in these things, but I am attempting to trust. At times I feel as though I have peace, that despite my incomprehension I am capable of acknowledging at least that God has these things in control and that ultimately all will work out. I still fear though, for this life, for these things. I don't always trust. I waver, doubt and worry. I am thankful that grace is not dependent on me.

Mainly, I am currently just overwhelmed will all these things. I have read 5 books in these past 2 weeks just attempting to keep my head above water and also to keep some perspective as well (thanks God for stories!). I both do not want to process and desperately want to be able to wrap my brain around things so that I can function more fully.

Breathe in, breathe out.