Every so often after being faced with where to live, what to eat, how to think and what to know among various other decisions and complexities I get the impression that the world is too scary a place to be, that life is too intricate a beast to inhabit. My arms begin to ache with all the things they should be doing, my eyes blur, my head nods, I desire only a soft bed and a silent corner in which to curl into and weep. Added to these momentous tasks and these towering obstacles come the people, people who weave in and out of life and who tangle into the very fiber of its flavor. They come with complexities of their own that one could spend a life time just trying to unriddle. They come with their own insecurities and thoughts, with their quirks and opinions of importance that seem irrefutable, but diverse and contradicting.
Sometimes I grow too confused for words. I stumble, weary and hesitant with a question always hanging from the corner of my mouth. I desperately want to understand the swift rhythm of the days that pile at my feet and in front of my waiting body, but find myself too caught in the beat to decipher the pattern.
Like Solomon I am constantly praying for wisdom, or, at the least, for some sign as to what I should invest my ebbing energy into. More and more I realize, I grudgingly admit, that I can not hold all the answers, even if I could deduce each moment's meaning there would be no way for me to hold it all in my head at once and in that absence of cohesion I would still be torn with that weary feeling of failure. I must remind myself constantly to grant myself grace. This is the place where I must believe in the sovereignty of God, even in the small things, or I would hurtle into a coma of unknown fear, a frozen posture of indecision based on the highly significant reason that I know that I can not know all the angles.
I wonder if I will ever come to a juncture in life where this theme of absolute bafflement will cease, where I will be able to accept the complexities without bounding and tripping upon my desire to understand them, all of them.
