Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Confession

Doubt and longing are my recent repeating anthems. Recent being years old.
Normally I shoulder my insecurities with laughter, but have recently found myself too weary for mockery.
I find this flow of my brain rather melodramatic, and yet, though I wish to be someone who can shrug off the judgement of others, who can laugh at oneself and at the inelegant plight of being human I sometimes find going from one activity to the next all I can do.
In the silence I must admit that I am not always sure. Of myself. Of others. Of God.
I cannot fathom how to hold my posture in all this chaotic shuffling, in these griefs present, past and waiting. I long to be be strength and stability or to at least feign these foreign figures. Truth of late, however, seems to seep from my eyebrows raisings, from my jests, from the way my body slumps. Truth and confusion, or the truth that I am confused.
In these moments I am thankful for the landscape of the earth and the huge, unreal looking clouds - the yearning of them, because they help me to step out of my own insistent dreads and doubts and make me feel more certain that there is more, that there is hope.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Ps. 34:18

"The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup, you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places: indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." Ps. 16:6

Saturday, September 10, 2011

An Appeal

You, my friends, wherever you are,

Whether you are grieving just now, or full of joy,

To you I lift this cup of pungent wine

As they often do in the land of France.

From a landscape of cranes and canals,

Of tangled railway tracks and winter fog,

In the smoke of black tobacco, I make my way

Toward you and I ask you a question.

Tell me, for once at least laying

Caution aside, and fear and guarded speech,

Tell me, as you would in the middle of the night

When we face only night, the ticking of a watch,

The whistle of an express train, tell me

Whether you really think that this world

Is your home? That your internal planet

That revolves, red-hot, propelled by the current

Of your warm blood, is really in harmony

With what surrounds you? Probably you know very well

The bitter protest, every day, every hour,

The scream that wells up, stifled by a smile,

The feeling of a prisoner who touches a wall

And knows that beyond it valleys spread,

Oaks stand in summer splendor, a jay flies

And a kingfisher changes a river to a marvel.

In you, as in me, there is a hidden certainty

That soon you will rise, in undiminished light,

And be real, strong, free from what restrained you.

That above the mold of broken flagstones,

Above memory and your transfomration

Which is like the lifhgt of birds when ice

Crumbles in the traces of hooves – above everythin,

It will be given to you to run as celestial fire,

To set sails ablaze with your flame at dawn

When ships trail smoke and archipelagoes

Wake up, shaking copper from their hair.


No, I address you here, from the ashes of winter,

In the simplest words, not to induce doubt

Or to call melancholy, for instance, the sister of fate.

On and on. The heart is still beating.

Nothing is lost. If one day our words

Come so close to the bark of tress in the forest,

And to orange blossoms, that they become one with them,

It will mean that we have always defended a great hope.


How should I defend it? By naming things.

That isn’t easy. I say the word “dawn”

And the tongue by itself affixes “rosy-fingered”

As in the childhood of Greece. The sun and the moon

Have the faces of gods. I am not certain

That Poseidon won’t emerge suddenly

From the sea bottom (he wears an earring)

Ploughing the waves with his motor, towing a retinue of nymphs,

And when I wander in alpine forests and meadows

Every cleft in the rock seems to me a gate

Through which one enters the underworld. I wait for a guide.


And space, what is it like? Is it mechanical,

Newtonian? A frozen prison?

Or the lofty space of Einstein, the relation

Between movement and movement? No reason to pretend

I know. I don’t know, and if I did,

Still my imagination is a thousand years old.


Jump into the water with your clothes on.

Such heaviness (deadweight, as sometimes in our dreams).

It’s the same with us. We wear the brocade

Of past centuries or dress in false purple.

Covering our faces with velvet masks,

Classical, playing again what has been played before.

And yet, I affirm, this is the earth of wonder.

It gives us the gift of eternal youth.

To you I lift this cup, here, on the stage.

I, one voice, no more, in the vast theater.

Against closed eyes, bitter lips.

Against silence, which is slavery.

- Czeslaw Milosz